Hello again everyone:

Well, another day has come and gone, and what have I learned....nothing LOL...I went to the doctor yesterday, had to have a mammogram and get a check up on my hormones.  First of all, oh my god, who developed the mammogram machine!!!  It must have been a male!!!!  I dont know of any man that would want his nuts crushed in a machine, so why do they have to do that to us ladies!!!  As for my doctor, she is abosolutely wonderful!!!  Very caring, and understanding of me. and what I am trying to do.  She filled my medication, and asked me some questions about how things are going with living full time, sexual activity and basically how I am feeling.  It is so comforting to have a pyhsician that is caring.  So many times you get a doctor that comes in, grabs you, tells you what is wrong, writes something down, and leaves....never even making you feel like you have meant anything.  My doctor has reffered me to another physician for a breast augmentation....and is helping reasearch doctors for the SRS surgery.  I wake up every morning, looking in the mirror wishing that the person on the outside could just match the person on the inside!!!  I hate the feeling....the feeling of being trapped, with nowhere to go, never being accepted, and being alone for my life.  I have been this way all my life.  I thought that once I figured out what the problem was, things would be different, but it isnt.  It is harder now than before, knowing that the person inside will never be truely alive.  I wont be able to experience the joy of having a child, bringing life into this world.  I will never have the chance of growing up, having sleepovers, being with my girlfriends, going to prom in a beautiful dress, joining a sorority....nothing like this, ever.  A sweet 16 party...for my 16th birthday, i was beaten by my dad, and almost killed myself.  By 18, I was out on my own for the most part, living in the streets, ....but all that matters now, is what I can enjoy.   The feeling of a man making love to me, the dream of a beautiful wedding, and someday, being happily married.  This, I can dream.   Will it come true, I will never know...for now, I try and live day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second...knowing that this person trapped inside, willl someday be allowed to show...to come out.  And all I can wish for right now, is that the people I meet, and the people that I pass along the way on my journey, will be as nice as doctor, and accept me for me, will not judge me, and will try and understand what I might be going thru!  So, the next time you see a gay person, or a transgendered person, I hope you realize that they are a human being too, and that they deserve the kindness and understanding that everyone else does, you will never know what they went through to get to where they are today....I hope this helps some of you in understand...if there is anything you would like to know, or have me write, please, let me know...and I will....TTFN...and thanks for reading this!