Is health care getting better?  This is something I must question.  The past few weeks, I have been sick, different symptoms and such...I went and saw my doctor, and she then referred me to her nurse practictioner, because she was too busy to see me.  So, the nurse practicitioner examined me, and decided for me to have a few tests done before making a decision.  She scheduled an ultrasound, then an upperGI.  Now, both tests are fairly simple to do, but you still need to have someone take you for the GI.  I had my ultrasound done, and the very next morning, by 10am, my nurse practictioner was calling me to let me know the results.  Now, I dont think I have ever had anyone in the medical profession call me the next day after a test to let me know something was ok, usually it is - somethings wrong, we have to see you again.  I then had an uppergi done 3 days later - that was the earliest I could make it due to other drs. appointments - I went in, everyone was very very nice, they chatted with me, talked with me about the procedure to make sure I was comfortable having it, talked with me and made me feel like a human being.  I had the uppergi done, they let me stay there longer than I needed so I could get a little rest, my friend came and picked me up, and I went home.  Again, the next morning, I had a call saying that I did have something wrong, yet, it is controllable.  Now, I met with her almost immediately afterwards, and got what I needed to fix the problem.  Now, I thought this would be enough, yet, four days later, I received a call asking me how I was feeling, if my tests went well, and to ask me what I thought the staff was like that treated me.  I thought this quite unusual, I mean, I had never had anything like this done before...all I want to know is, is health care getting better???  Maybe we are getting back to the caring physicians that actually care about patient care rather than just having as many people as they can to treat, to make the most money they can.  If this is the case, I commend your bravery in coming forth in a medical world of insurance overpayments and medical malpractice to pride yourselves on people care, which is what it is supposed to be.  And to all those physicians not doing things like this, take note of the ones that are, and you could sure learn something from them!!!!

PS - This is why I havent been writing lately, I just havent been feeling well, and been very sick lately.

Here comes another day...and with that day, another thought....this is something I wrote this weekend while in bed, sick...I hope you like it....

You know, I get tired of people expressing their opinions about BDSM.  Ohhhh....Your in a BDSM relationship...what are you a freak????  I guess I am, and I guess being a TS in this relationship make me an even bigger freak!!!!  Well, I pose a question to all....if a male is made to be with a male in a Heterosexual BDSM relationship, does it make him bisexual, or even gay???  And the reverese goes, if a man is made to be with a woman in a gay BDSM relationship, does it make him bi???  What if they enjoyed it, and wanted it more often, not just as a punishment, or a pleasuring for their Dom/me???  In being a TS, I enjoy men, plan and simple, I consider myself a straight women in that manner....yet, I admit, I have a fantasy of being Dommed by a female.  To give myself up to the one person I am trying to be like, in all ways, yet will never attain Her beauty or Reverence...now, is this wrong of me???  Does this make me a bisexual TS...or in most vanilla eyes, a hugely confused freak of nature????  Who knows, and who cares, we are human beings, creatures of habit, sexual beings, confused and ignorant, yet superior to other creatures on this planet.....so, does this superiority define us in how we conduct ourselves sexually???  Does this mean we must label eachother in order to define who we are????  It is said that God made us in His image....does any of us know what God looks like?  Eve was born out of Adam, does this mean Adam was actually a hermaphrodite????  Living with both sexes, and gave birth to the first woman????   Does that mean he had sex with his own sister????  Nobody truely knows....and what gives us the right to judge.  Isnt it true that people are born everyday with both male and female parts???  So, if this is true, then God is both male and female, and is actually tri-sexual....in that manner...a gay, lesbian, and straight, all in one....or has God made a mistake...and if He does, then cant He make mistakes in other ways....so, I guess what I am saying, would people stop judging others on the way they think they should be, and just accept them for who they are....they are children of God, whether gay, lesbian, TS, bi, straight, black, white, red, or green....Dominant or submissive....it just doesnt matter....let us all enjoy eachother and the things that we are....PEOPLE!!!!!

Hello Everyone:

Sorry I havent written in awhile, I have been sick, plus, depressed.  It seems that everyone has some type of depression, yet, mine is particularly bad.  I know I bring it upon myself, being a transgendered and all, but, doctors need to find a way to help people with this problem.  They prescribe medication such as prozac, paxil, zoloft, but honestly, medication cant help someone that is going to be depressed and has issues that they cant work thru.  I find that my issues are much deeper than just being a TS...it is handling the abuse as a child, the secludedness of growing up, acceptance of myself into adulthood, and why I am who I am....I realize I cant dwell on these things, they will eat me up....however, it is hard not to think about them.  People are always bringing up problems, and cause others to feel worse than maybe they feel.  Why do we do that???  We, as humans, must join together, and help eachother out, if we are feeling bad, try and help someone else that is also feeling bad...maybe it will help you as well as them.  Leslie and I talk daily, and she is always trying to cheer me up, because she knows how difficult it is for me.  She makes me feel accepted and welcomed, no matter how badly things are going with her.  And, I try and return the gesture to her.  Men are especially bad with showing their feelings, or showing feelings to others.  They think that if they do, they will look like they are a sissy, a girl...whatever!!!!!  Men, take it from women, listen to them, and understand, dont try and be a macho man....even the Village People were gay, so whats the big deal!!!!  I mean, why do they thing showing compassion for another is feminine, or gay....it is being a human being, understand another human beings problems....and trying to help them.  And when your wife, girlfriend, or friend is talking to you about something you may not enjoy, my gosh, listen to them....learn from them...you cant fix everything, so dont try....sometimes we just like to have a person just listen to us and to be there for us in times of need....Sorry for rambling...I just want people to try and help people that might be different, depressed, or just in need of a friend...women understand this, men have no clue...so ladies, if you want me to talk with your man about how to become more in touch with themselves, let me know...I would be more than happy to help you...I know I wish I had someone that would have helped the people around me as I grew up....

Well, enough of that...I met a man recently and I really like...He is adorable, cute, sensative, and a great lover!!!!  I didnt think I could actually find someone that would have these attributes....a man that actually opens the door for me when we go out!!!!!  But I need everyones help....this man is hung up on the fact that I am TS, we live a distance away, and that he constantly wants sex, when I want intimacy....how can I express to him this....we talk about things, yet, it just doesnt seem to sink in....so, if anyone has any suggestions, let me know...and if there is something that YOU want me to write about, let me know too!!!!  TTFN, take care, and love to all!!!!

Jenn

Hello again everyone:

Well, another day has come and gone, and what have I learned....nothing LOL...I went to the doctor yesterday, had to have a mammogram and get a check up on my hormones.  First of all, oh my god, who developed the mammogram machine!!!  It must have been a male!!!!  I dont know of any man that would want his nuts crushed in a machine, so why do they have to do that to us ladies!!!  As for my doctor, she is abosolutely wonderful!!!  Very caring, and understanding of me. and what I am trying to do.  She filled my medication, and asked me some questions about how things are going with living full time, sexual activity and basically how I am feeling.  It is so comforting to have a pyhsician that is caring.  So many times you get a doctor that comes in, grabs you, tells you what is wrong, writes something down, and leaves....never even making you feel like you have meant anything.  My doctor has reffered me to another physician for a breast augmentation....and is helping reasearch doctors for the SRS surgery.  I wake up every morning, looking in the mirror wishing that the person on the outside could just match the person on the inside!!!  I hate the feeling....the feeling of being trapped, with nowhere to go, never being accepted, and being alone for my life.  I have been this way all my life.  I thought that once I figured out what the problem was, things would be different, but it isnt.  It is harder now than before, knowing that the person inside will never be truely alive.  I wont be able to experience the joy of having a child, bringing life into this world.  I will never have the chance of growing up, having sleepovers, being with my girlfriends, going to prom in a beautiful dress, joining a sorority....nothing like this, ever.  A sweet 16 party...for my 16th birthday, i was beaten by my dad, and almost killed myself.  By 18, I was out on my own for the most part, living in the streets, ....but all that matters now, is what I can enjoy.   The feeling of a man making love to me, the dream of a beautiful wedding, and someday, being happily married.  This, I can dream.   Will it come true, I will never know...for now, I try and live day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second...knowing that this person trapped inside, willl someday be allowed to show...to come out.  And all I can wish for right now, is that the people I meet, and the people that I pass along the way on my journey, will be as nice as doctor, and accept me for me, will not judge me, and will try and understand what I might be going thru!  So, the next time you see a gay person, or a transgendered person, I hope you realize that they are a human being too, and that they deserve the kindness and understanding that everyone else does, you will never know what they went through to get to where they are today....I hope this helps some of you in understand...if there is anything you would like to know, or have me write, please, let me know...and I will....TTFN...and thanks for reading this!

Hello everyone...I just wanted to take some time today to express my feelings on getting involved with things.  I was talking with a friend of mine the other day, and she was telling me that a mother in her girl scout troop was complaining about how she does things, yet, this woman never gets involved in anything!!!  I cant understand how a person can complain about something, or how others do things, when they themselves, never get involved in changning it.  Why cant parents get involved with their children, read with them, go over homework with them, ask them about their days, play a game with them, whatever it might be.  We get so wrapped up in our own lives, that we expect others to some of our jobs for us.  We expect teachers to teach our children ethics, knowledge, and values...our church, our girl scout leaders, even TV!!!!!  We set our children in front of the television to keep them occupied so we can get our things done.  What about them???  Are they learning anything from it?  And then we get upset when they only want to sit in front of the television instead of playing outside, or being with their friends.  Our society as a whole has become so fast and reliant upon gadgets, and others to do things for them, that we have forgotten how to get involved ourselves.  I commend my friend so much about how she has taken on the opportunity to be with her daughter as a troop leader, coaching her daughters basketball team, and the many other things she does.  I look at her child, and I see a well rounded person that has a great chance of growing up and contributing to society and to help her children become great people.  Why you ask???  Because she is taking the time out of her day to do things with her child, to show her children that she wants to be a part of her life.  We have to understand that we need to become friends to our children, but also, we need to be parents first and foremost!!!  Do things with them, enjoy them, get involved!!!  Life is too short to sit by and let it passby without enjoying the smile of someone - whether it be a child, teenager, or adult, we can all be responsibe people and help eachother out!!!

Well, now that I got that out of my system, today I am planning on fixing dinner for a neighbor of mine...she is elderly and really doesnt have anyone to spend time with her.  So, I try and go over and spend a little time each day with her, and talk with her...she is an amazing person!  I hope everyone has a wonderful day today, and look for my thoughts tomorrow!!!

Tuesday.  What is Tuesday?  It doesnt mean that its the end of the week and fun is on the way.  It isnt the beginning of the week after a enjoyable weekend.  Tuesday is just kind of there.  I mention this because, I feel this way today.  I got back from California last Friday,came home and was sick in bed ever since.  I am finally feeling a little better, but it is a Tuesday, a blah day.  Even the weather outside shows me it is Tuesday.  I look outside, and see a brown ground with a grey overcast.  Why is this, is this the way I feel?? 

Well, I could sit around and feel blue, but I must realize, that today is another beautiful day to be alive.  It is another day that I can see my true self, and come closer to becoming her.  It is another day that my friendships grow stronger, and that no matter what the day or what it is like, the sun is shining, as long as I let it shine.  There may be days, that I dont want it to, no matter how sunny it is, it is human nature.  But I have to realize all the things I have, I am going to have in my life someday.  I have to let the sun shine thru, no matter how hard it may get.  And believe me, being a TS, the sun doesnt shine that often unless I let it. 

Now, for today, I am going to run out to the store in a little while, and pick up the pictures I took from California.  I didnt get them on digital, so I cannot download any for you at this time.  However, I will get them, so everyone can see my trip! 

I will probably come back home and relax some more, because of the cold I have had.  I have felt aweful the past few days.  I am probably going to make something simple for dinner, and go over to my friends Leslie house, and spend sometime with her and her kids.  Thats pretty much my day.  If you want to see more, or hear more, let me know.  I hope you enjoyed!

PS - Cell, thanks for the post, I really appreciated it, and I will continue to write. 

Sassy!!!  Mom!!!  Thanks for the welcome...where's my gift basket????